Somehow i'm feeling non-existent these days. I feel i'm transparent. I can easily blend into the background anywhere, like a wall paper and this really sucks. Hellloooo... I'm floating around school, oblivious to everything's that's happening. And i dont feel exactly alive, maybe one day when i walk down the canteen i'll burst into carbon dioxide molecules and vanish.

Sigh, these few days are seriously not my days. Really apologize for this whole series of depressing entries.

Just when i thought things seem bad enough already, i experienced another minimum point and i can only say i'm extremely disappointed with myself.

I woke up with a silly red swollen left eye this morning cause i rubbed my eyes too much while sleeping and when i woke up my left eye could hardly open. That sucked a little, especially early in the morning. That's not the main story, it's just the prelude. Bad omen bad omen.

So throughout the day i wasnt feeling comfortable. But somehow i was also oblivious to things around, so everything just kept going by and i just sat and watched things move. And i realise i've quietened down since after the commontest break, except for teasing louis sometimes. I think i've gained more IQ over the week, so my EQ dropped some level. Hahah! You know i always think that a person can only have a certain level of IQ + EQ. So if you're really smart, like for example, maybe you're a GEP (just jokin!), then you'll most likely be a werido and have a low level of EQ and so have few friends, or maybe you have, but no true friends to speak of. You dont believe me, you look at autistic kids who shut themselves up in their own world, some of them are extremely talented, like say, in music.

Anyway as i was saying friendships seems really superficial i feel, especially in rj. It's really difficult to find really nice, sincere friends whom you can depend on when you're in need. Everyone around me seems to be living in a symbiotic relationship whereby friendships are based on what each party stands to benefit. Now even friendships exist politics. Actually maybe i should be a nicer person!

But the thing about being nice is, you are always at the losing end, really! When you're nice, you'll be made use, that's a fact.

..... What a sad life you have!

No lah, you know when you're feeling low, all those kind of sad shit comes into your mind and i just kept typing typing without realising i sound zi bi.

Now i know all you kpo young minds must be asking why am i feeling so upset.

Actually, it's because i got an O for my chem. Ok you didnt get the O so you wont understand how i feel. It feels extremely disappointing and bitter.

This is the first time i'm scoring so lowwwwwww and i think a lot of people too. When i got back my mcq, realising i got a measly 4/15 i almost vomitted fresh blood. You see, if i scored 4 cause i spent 1 min filling everything C i wouldnt have felt this bad, but the thing i spent 45minutes thinking and i still got 4 ! HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

Ok, i dont want to dwell on it anymore but i think there's a reason for me to score such a pitiful mark. I need to be jailed. This mark equates to 2 days of studying gone down the drain. I WASTED 2 DAYS OF MY HOLIDAYS, 48 HOURS OF MY LIFE.

The worst thing was i still had the audacity to feel that the paper was ok. This is a secret, i only told myself that. OK OK AND OK AND I GOT WHAT SHIT. HUH WHAT SHIT. On one hand i feel extremely paiseh, on the other i feel extremely disappointed in myself. Cause as much as i think the paper is difficult, i dont think my O is justified cause the questions are really do-able wad...qi guai...

QI GUAI! WHY I STILL GET SUCH SHIT HEAD SCORE.

I really need a change in my working attitude. CT is a fire alarm for me to change. One by one, you all watch out , i'm going to top the level in the next chem test. Watch out for my big name ok, my aim is 92/100 A*. ANYONE WHO SCORES 92.5 I WILL HANG PIG HEAD (FRESH) ON YOUR HOUSE DOOR.

Ha. Just kiddin. I'm not that stupid ok, get 70 also A get 99 also A why push so hard to get 99!? Siao.

Hai, anyway, yah i'm really upset over this chem mark. And louis the idiot delibrately came over

"you got O also arh"

"yah"

"but my O higher than yours"

This is not a very proud thing to be publicising widely, but i think i'm quite perverted. I like to publicise all my louya mark like when i got 4 for MCQ i turn around to tell everyone. HAHAH! SIAO OR NOT. But if i happen to score decently, i prefer to keep quiet cause i really hate hao lian people.

It's werid. Sometimes when i have expectations for something, i end up disappointing myself and when i dont have any expectations i tend to do better then i thought i could. It's really weird and i think a lot of people felt this way too.

Next week, ill be receiving more of my papers, and i'm mentally prepared.

Ok, i'm going to write my will now... bye!

3/30/2006

i'm dissolving...

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